Lessons in love

Wing// Personal Thoughts

It has been unbelievably busy and unfortunately, I haven’t been able to post these past few days. Although it won’t be too long, I hope to make up my absence with this post.

I’ve been meaning to write a follow-up post to Nguyen’s “Love Actually” post. Despite
limited readership (and we’ve been intentional about keeping this blog on the down low), it has actually been one of our more popular posts.

So, keeping that in mind, I thought it might be strange if I did not write some sort of response to Nguyen’s carefully thought out post.

Like many of our other posts, we’ve written our memories and thus, our vulnerabilities, through reflection. My understanding of love stems from my Christian faith and also from my personal experiences. In this post, I will try to divulge in both aspects, but the former may need further explanation in a future post. Just a heads up.

Growing up in the Christian faith, there are some unspoken, but supposedly ‘mandatory’ rules regarding dating, courtship, and marriage. These are: 1) Do not have sex before marriage; 2) Always date a Christian. (Or, do not date non-Christians)

As a pre-teen growing up in a conservative Chinese church, I had no idea why these rules were important. You just had to abide to them. It wasn’t until my undergraduate years that I began to explore these rules.

The Christian dating (though almost never explicitly spoken to in the Bible) and marriage culture is meant to reflect the sanctity and holiness of God. A Christian marriage connotes the physical, emotional, and spiritual unionization of two people (man and woman) under God. Marriage is a symbolic and public gesture revealing a promise, a promise that the husband will love the wife as Christ loved the church. This means that the husband loves the wife so much that he is willing to surrender everything, including his very own life, to be with her. It’s quite beautiful, really.

In modelling our relationships (both in dating and in marriage) after Christ and his love, Christian relationships are also modelled after the holiness of Christ. That is, to refrain from and to abhor sexually immorality. (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7)

As you may be able to tell from these links, engaging in sex before marriage is never explicitly mentioned in any of these posts. However, Hebrews 13:4 give us a tiny hint that sex is only for the marriage bed. God sees sex as holy only within the context of marriage.

Secondly, the infamous 2 Corinthians 6:14:

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

The purpose of this verse was written so that Christians are not led astray from their faith. The Bible argues this time and time again, pointing most notably to the accounts of King David and King Solomon, that even the strongest of Christians may become led astray from their faith through marriage with non-Christians.

Of course, as you can tell, I have already broken this rule through my relationship with Nguyen. Prior to entering this relationship, I had really grappled and wrestled with this “dilemma”. It was a real internal struggle. I knew the implications and the reasons behind why a Christian should not date non-Christians. I also knew that Nguyen was open, but was also resolute that he would not convert to the faith if he did not truly believe.

All in all, I was without excuse for saying that I knew otherwise.

My decision to enter into this relationship came through a series of revelations. First, apart from carefully thinking about this, I prayed about it extensively. I shared about my dilemma and my thoughts with other Christian women and asked them for prayer. Importantly, I shared all my thoughts and troubles with my mom.

At first, I was really afraid. I was afraid that she would disapprove given her personal experiences with marriage. My parents are divorced, and my non-Christian father has vehemently opposed (though now less) the Christian faith  in the years leading up to and following the divorce. He has blamed a lot of my mom’s “shortcomings” as a result of a brain-washing from the church and has verbally expressed it to my mom in a horribly disrespecting way. (Though, slowly, I’m working on that with him)

It is also important to note that I didn’t share much about my first relationship with my mom. So, the sharing and the chats about Nguyen were really an important milestone in my life.

When I first told my mom about possibly pursuing a relationship with Nguyen, she said “I KNEW IT!!!” Haha. But she also said, “I trust you with all your decisions and have always prayed for you.”

To be honest, it was really shocking because I thought she would be very disappointed. But it was also at this moment, that I began to think that maybe my mom and I (and others?) had a very different opinion of Christian dating.

My first relationship was with someone I had met in the Kinesiology department in my undergrad. He was also in the Chinese Christian club that I was a part of. With him, we met all the “rules” of the book. We didn’t have sex and he was a Christian. When he decided to end the relationship after 2 years, I was devastated. I loved that person with all my heart and I didn’t know what had gone wrong.

For two years after that, I struggled to heal my broken heart. I desperately tried to rekindle a relationship by talking and visiting him periodically, but to no avail.

Eventually, when I felt a little bit stronger, I took a careful look at our relationship. When I examined our relationship closely, there were so many irreparable faults that were present in our relationship. We didn’t get along as closely as I thought. We didn’t appreciate each other’s life passions. We didn’t even share some of the fundamental values of the faith.

Of course, these things don’t hold the same weight for every person. But it meant a lot for me and eventually, I overcame my hurt and also to begin the process towards fostering a friendship. Thankfully, we remain good friends today.

A few months after, Nguyen asked very nicely if he could pursue a relationship with me. I took several months to answer.

Part in parcel with my deliberations was dealing with the fear of heartbreak. I was so afraid to give my heart and to feel hurt again.

When I finally said yes, I admit that I remained guarded. I had this irrational fear that 1) I would lose my faith because I was with a non-Christian; and 2) If a Christian broke my heart, a non-Christian would do it worse. (I know, it doesn’t make sense)

I was determined to try things out but I was also determined that I would not love him. (Aha, sorry honey) That way, if the relationship ended, I would not be hurt.

An inside joke, just for you, Nguyen! 😉

However, Nguyen  did a lot of things, vulnerable things, that surprised me and helped me to think differently. From saying the first “I love you”, to choosing to have hard conversations with me, to putting me first, he’s changed my mind about what love is. He always supported me in pursuing my faith and he always prays with me before meals, before the night’s close, and whenever I felt I needed to pray. He always prayed with me willingly and never begrudgingly. (Church was a different matter though, haha.)

Going back to the “Christian rules of dating”, I realized that I had black-boxed them as a pervading and defining ideology in my life. The embodiment of these ideals had stayed with me since my pre-teens. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I had realized that I had turned dating into this regimented, legalistic practice. I was afraid to contend with the rules and I did not even allow myself to think differently.

From what I think so far (for now and for today), love is an active and dynamic choice that we make everyday. Sometimes, there are wonderful feelings of passion and joy that fills you up to the brim. During this time, it’s easy to love. However, sometimes, they just aren’t there. However, I think it is exactly the moments of stagnation, tribulation, and trial that reveal our heart’s closest predispositions.

Although it’s scary, if we choose to love by putting forward our fears and vulnerabilities for display to the person we love, I think  we progress in love and in loving. If we refuse to do those things, perhaps we do not love. 

No relationship is perfect and it doesn’t have to be. It shouldn’t define your life but be part of it. A relationship is not a beginning or an end, but simply part of two people’s life journeys.

As with the Christian dating non-Christian situation, I know it’s not ideal. However, my mom reminded me that faith is a very personal decision and that we cannot predict when God intervenes into our lives. I will admit, I am hopeful.

As for what that means, I think we should live love in the present while praying and preparing for more in the future.