On Christmas Day, Nguyen’s family invited my mother and me to attend a very exclusive dinner hosted at his parent’s house in Toronto. Although I expected it to be a nerve-wracking experience, I felt the dinner went smoothly considering only the families of partners that were invited.
The opening scene of the night was what you could call “that awkward first encounter” as it was the first time Nguyen’s family was meeting his brother’s fiancée’s family. When we arrived, everyone was already sitting in a large circle in the living room. Lively chats spoken in what I presume to be Vietnamese and English were interspersed with long gaps of silence and a palpable feeling of awkwardness in the air.
Lucky for them, I specialize in breaking awkward silences and my usually awkward mother chimed in by offering to teach Chinese to any interested takers.
As we transitioned our way into dinner, the air grew thick with the smell of sweet and sour mango salad, deep-fried shrimp chips, and bubbling crab soup. Nguyen’s mother is a phenomenal cook. Chatter began to fill the room as the parents were trying to communicate in various strains of Vietnamese, Chinese Cantonese, and English, while the “kids” were busy introducing themselves. (I expect this is what my wedding is going to be like — I love it!)
In the midst of this chaos, Nguyen’s brother was constantly up and about, serving everyone and making sure everyone was well cared for. He even cleaned the dishes afterwards too! He was definitely showing his in-laws-to-be that he was husband material and to be honest, even I was impressed!
Of course, these actions also caught my mom’s eye.
Throughout the rest of the dinner, my mom repeatedly whispered to me something along the following lines in Cantonese: “Wow, look at him! What a great son! Nguyen’s brother is so filial! Washing the dishes without being told! Wow!”
Then, it became: “Why is Nguyen not washing the dishes? Why is Nguyen just sitting around?”
Eventually, with a head full of whisperings and a mother’s sneaky intervention, I began to wonder why my own boyfriend was not washing the dishes. I eventually confronted Nguyen about it and he sat through the rest of the dinner in silence — a behaviour that usually makes feel very frustrated.
Now, in Nguyen’s defense, as much as I have my qualms with how he doesn’t consistently clean the organic waste in the sink strainer or clear out the cat litter, he is very good with doing the dishes, loading the laundry, folding the clothes, and doing other miscellaneous tasks at home. Do I wish he would do a little bit more? Yes. But he’s also not one to do nothing.
When everyone began to clear out, Nguyen “finally” volunteered to do the dishes. I helped. While cleaning, Nguyen told me that he had already offered earlier to clean multiple times during the dinner, but was shooed away from the kitchen. He felt that if he was shooed away several times, he would not insist any further.
In the car ride back to my mother’s house, I explained to her the situation. Interesting, my mom responded by saying “It’s true that he is a nice guy, but he is just way too honest!” I was left to think about this for the next few days because I had no idea what she meant.
A few nights later, back in our own home, I told my friends about what my mom had said about Nguyen. And right as I recounted the story, the answer came crashing into me. When my mom said that Nguyen was too honest, she inferred that he didn’t know how to play ‘the game’.
If you were born into an immigrant East-Asian family, you probably know this game well. It’s the endless and exhausting game of showing courtesy and respect to elders at all times. It’s the fight to be the one bowing the lowest in respect. It’s the fight to pour tea for your elders first. It’s the fight to pay for the bill at a restaurant and it’s the wisdom to do chores without being asked. Thinking about it, it’s a game I was conditioned to play and excel in.
As I was trying to explain this revelation to my friends, one of our good friends interrupted me and said, “It’s not that Nguyen doesn’t know how to play the game, it’s that he wants to end the game. He wants to destroy it.”
And just like that, I had my second heart-stopping revelation of the day. Of course! We had always talked about ending systemic racism, income inequality, gender inequality and all the other things that make this Game of Life unfair. However, what I didn’t realize was that I was internalizing and prizing this game in my personal life.
Photo credit: Fenteg
Why did my mom’s words prompt me to make assumptions about Nguyen as lazy, rude, unwilling to help, and not responsible? It’s because these practices stemmed from the very neoliberal, patriarchal, and racist ideologies that I despise!
Of course, I am not saying that showing respect to elders and doing chores is unimportant. I think it still is! It can be really loving or even romantic. I am also not saying that all traditional East Asian practices are automatically racist, sexist, or classist. However, I do think we need to create space to think more critically about why we uphold certain traditions, customs, and institutions of practice and why we are lead to make assumptions about a certain person’s values when they do not fulfill them.
Instead of subscribing to these ideas automatically, it is imperative to deconstruct these practices, feelings, and values. Why do we do what we do? Are we being loving, respectful, and constructive? Or do we simply seek to fulfill a cultural norm? (And is this in itself productive?)
As you will soon discover, the answer is not black and white and there is really no fine line to be discovered. However, what I think you will discover are the healthy and unhealthy boundaries of said practices and perhaps, your own values as well.
For example, while I would love for Nguyen to wash the dishes and do other chores miraculously without being told, I realize that this practice could set the precedent for understanding that love is having done “the right thing”, rather than communicating wants and desires. As we’ve discovered time and time in our relationship, we simply cannot expect our better half to be able to read our minds — even when we desperately want them to. Relationship building is all about being vulnerable and sharing those wants and desires even when our pride refuses to do so.
Needless to say, I have much work and introspection to do. And so, in 2019, my goals are not only to uphold kindness, respect, love, and grace, but it’s to fulfil them in such a way that is critical of a broken system. How about you?
My parents escaped from the Vietnam war. My mom took refuge in Nova Scotia, Canada, and my dad took refuge in Vancouver, Canada. They met and fell in love with each other in Canada. They travelled to Toronto to find jobs (since Vancouver lacked the job opportunities in the 80s). After they settled down and got married, they conceived my younger brother and me.
Growing up in a Vietnamese-family where my parents aren’t fluent in English was tough. I wasn’t able to express my feelings and opinions to them in a way I wanted. I spoke “Vietglish” to them. “Vietglish” is essentially talking with some English words mashed with Vietnamese words to create a coherent (but most of the time non-coherent) sentences. I never took any Vietnamese language classes like some of my friends did. I learned to speak Vietnamese by having conversations with my parents/family, as well as watching TVB shows (Hong Kong TV shows) on VHS/DVDs. I know lots of Chinese/Hong Kong people will say “Wait a minute … the actress and actors on TVB shows speak Cantonese?!”. In response, I will say: “Yes, but there were lots of Vietnamese Video Stores in Toronto that have TVB shows dubbed in Vietnamese”. The Vietnamese dub was great as the voice actors/actresses that spoke Vietnamese tried to sync their voice to the Hong Kong actor/actress’s mouths LOL!
For instance: Journey to the West (1996)
Oh man, the cheesy graphics in Journey to the West was cringy (but I still love it!). And the Vietnamese dubbed actually improved during the 2000s: https://youtu.be/xXrdy1og3JI?t=23m37s
Anyways, my Vietnamese isn’t that bad in my opinion. I volunteered as a Vietnamese interpreter at a hospital to help Vietnamese patients who do not speak any English to understand their treatment. Plus, this volunteering experience was a great way to practice my Vietnamese.
Racism
Throughout my childhood, I wasn’t physically bullied; however, I did get some racist comments from kids. For instance: “Hey, Jackie Chan!”, “Bruce Lee!”, “you have a small penis!”, “Chinky”, and so forth. In order to stop that from happening I dissed them back. For example: “If I am Jackie Chan, you’re my sidekick Chris Tucker!” – 10 years old me.
The picture on the left (2008) and Picture on the right (2016) …Trying to squeeze my bicep LOL
Before I started my undergraduate studies, I felt like I had a chip on my shoulder. I felt like I needed to re-invent myself and change from a non-confident-shy guy to being more assertive and confident, someone who didn’t give a s**t of what other people think of me! I believe I’ve accomplished that over the years (from 2008 to present); however, there are times that I still care what other people think of me (e.g., my colleagues, Wing ;)).
In-between
During my first month of undergraduate studies (2009), I joined a Vietnamese Student Association at my university to learn more about my Vietnamese culture and language. I volunteered to be their site designer and was one for a moment in time. When I went to the Vietnamese club “Meet and Greet” event, I felt isolated. Perhaps, I was not confident in speaking with strangers yet (I’m still a bit awkward during this time period). However, it was just a weird feeling. All the people in the club were mostly Vietnamese-Canadian like myself, yet I felt alone. Throughout my high school and undergrad days, I always had a diverse group of friends ranging from Filipinos, Vietnamese, Koreans, Chinese, Italians, Tibetian, African-Canadians, Indians, Sri Lankan, Caucasians and so forth, in contrast to my younger brother whose friends are mostly Vietnamese-Canadians. I felt like I didn’t fit the stereotype of Asian people hanging around with other Asian people. (And there is nothing wrong with that!) White people hang around with other white people….why isn’t that tabooed? Till this day, I believe that the reason I wasn’t comfortable with hanging out with the members of the Vietnamese Student Association was that we didn’t have anything in common in terms of interest (e.g., sports, politics, etc).
Either way, living in Toronto, Canada … I felt like I didn’t have a strong bond with my Vietnamese-Canadian community (until I reached graduate studies and started learning a little bit more about the history and the current political landscape in Vietnam). Eventually, I stopped going to the Vietnamese Student Association at my university in the middle of the first year. This was due to many factors. First, I began to realize that I had rather hang out with my university friends that I had more in common with, in terms of hobbies/interest (and even the struggles). It made me feel like I was part of a big family that cared for each other. Secondly, there was an incident during one of the first events held by the Vietnamese Student Association. We went ice skating near the waterfront, and a Vietnamese-Canadian girl randomly appeared out of nowhere and told me to my face that I couldn’t get a girl in Canada, and I should go to Vietnam to get a girlfriend. First off, I did not provoke her at all, but yet she had the audacity to say these nonsensical things to me. Secondly, that was a slap in the face to all Vietnamese girls in Vietnam. The assumption here was that Vietnamese girls born in Vietnam are not better than Vietnamese girls born in North America. I guess this particular Vietnamese-Canadian girl was projecting or something.
There was another incident with another Asian girl (not saying all Asian girls are like this) during my fourth year of undergraduate studies. I went to my friend’s birthday party at a Bier Markt in Toronto. I asked a random Asian girl on the dance floor if she would like to dance with me. In my mind, if she said “No”, it was not a big deal, since I had many successful and unsuccessful encounters with girls before (this was my fourth year of university). However, she said something that I never experienced before … she said, “Sorry, I only dance with White guys”. I was shaken for a few seconds, and on my mind, I wanted to say “F**k you, self-hating bigot!”, but I just walked back to my table. One of my male friends was looking at my interaction with this Asian girl at a distance. I felt embarrassed.
Self-hate and Internalized Racism
When I was a teenager, many of my Asian friends (including myself) have said: “I’m whitewashed”. I felt this was an example or an excuse for me to push away my culture as a kid. Today, I’m thinking about the notion of what makes people “whitewashed”? What is the criteria? I don’t think there was one.
Growing up, there were many white people who have pointed out that I was not a “typical” Asian person and I have seen other Asian-Canadians calling themselves “Whitewashed” to distinguish themselves from their Asian peers. That is totally messed up! This made me realize that my teen-self was basically that Vietnamese-Canadian girl who told me to get a girlfriend in Vietnam! We should not look down on our people, but instead, have a conversation and make friends with them! If you are an Asian-American or Asian-Canadian, go find an Asian friend who was born in Asia (vice versa), as a result, you can learn a lot from them. (Here is a good article about Internalized Racism in the Asian American Community)
Vietnamese Sizzling Crepe (Bánh Xèo)
Vietnamese Rice Paper Rolls
As a teenager, I felt ashamed to eat my own traditional Vietnamese foods (e.g., spring rolls, curry, etc) or any Asian foods (e.g., my mom’s homemade sushi and wanton) at school because there were students who hated the smell (e.g., Fish Sauce, Kim-chi). Others definitely gave me a weird stare. But heck, there were even weird stares when my mom packed me Caesar Salad with bacon bits for lunch in high school. I could never win. As an adult now, I see many non-asian people appreciate and enjoy eating Vietnamese foods (e.g., Pho, Spring Roll, etc). I don’t know how to feel about this … I’m happy that Vietnamese food is becoming popular; however, I also felt it is a slap in the face to my younger self who was ashamed of eating Vietnamese food due to weird eye stares and negative comments.
It is like the recent news about the Qipao dress twitter feud (2018). I believed the feud and hatred from the Asian-Americans weren’t about the white girl (Keziah) wearing the dress. It’s about the power dynamics, resentment, and the lack of acknowledgement of Keziah’s white privilege. If a Chinese-American girl wore the Qipao to prom (assuming she wasn’t ashamed of wearing her traditional clothes due to internalized racism and whatnot), she will have weird stares or people will see her as a foreigner, exotic and/or an “other”, instead of applauding her for wearing her traditional clothes, in which Keziah had huge support for wearing the Qipao. Unfortunately, people like Keziah who argue, “it’s just a dress” and they’re “appreciating Chinese culture”, completely undermine a video of her and her friend making fun of Asian people (Click here). I understand that Kaziah and her friend were doing a “vine meme”, but it is still offensive. It is like saying people who are doing harmful “pranks” and saying “its just a prank” is not in the wrong. I wish people or the media would talk more about why some Asian-Americans defended Keziah. That would be wonderful research to think about.
Asian men and Asian woman dynamics
I heard about “Yellow Fever” through a video that Wong Fu made a long time ago, but I also believe there is “White Fever” in North America as well as the rest of the world. Not just because of the incident I had in the Bier Markt during my undergrad, but also the “eye-test” and articles talking about this phenomenon. The surge in White Male Asian Female (WMAF) relationships are no longer a rare thing, but it is a common occurrence or a phenomenon (Reference: 54% of Asian American marry out, the vast majority to white men only). I support interracial relationship, however, I do mind the mental gymnastics behind the reasoning why girls, especially Asian girls, are not dating Asian men. The most common thing I heard from girls were “You are cute for an Asian guy” or “I don’t like dating Asian guys, it is like dating my brother/cousin”.
I hate doing “Oppression Olympics”, but I felt Asian guys have always been “sh*ted” on in the mainstream media. That is why I posted an Online dating blog post to bring confidence in guys, especially Asian guys. The only movies growing up that I’ve seen an Asian-American characters being a normal or cool/kickass were in Mortal Kombat (1995) – Liu Kang played by Robin Shou and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)– Harold and Kumar played by John Cho and Kal Penn respectively, which is pretty sad and depressing when you think about it. I tried my best to look for movies I’ve seen a long time ago (the 90s) that portrayed Asian men in a positive light (List of movies that have “Asian-American” characters). I see nothing. However, I recently saw Columbus (2017), and it was great! I never thought would I care about architecture.
We need more Asian-American/Asian-Canadian actors, Asian-American directors, Asian studio producer/CEO and most importantly support from Asian American and POC communities to fight against Hollywood’s racism and their absurd excuses (some of these excuses are posted here).
Division amongst Asian-American communities
Issues about Asian and Asian American/Canadian in the mainstream media are very complex. I believe we are a divided community. For instance:
There is contention over who can play what character depending on ethnicity. However, I think that Asian actors can play ANY Asian characters. Here are some examples of what I meant by it: a Chinese-
Dong Nguyen – Vietnamese character in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt played by a Korean-American actor: Ki Hong Lee
American actor can play a Japanese’s emperor in 1800s, a Vietnamese-Canadian can play a Korean-American on a tv-show, if there is a remake for Ghost in the Shell, the main character can be played by a Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, or Thai actress and not just only Japanese actresses. There are a small number of Asian roles/characters being made, we shouldn’t be fighting over these things. If Robert Downey Jr. (American actor) can play Sherlock Holmes and Henry Cavill (British actor) can play Superman, why can’t Asian actors play a different Asian? If we are fighting with each other on this type of issue, there will be slow changes in Hollywood and the studios will use this as an excuse. (Don’t let them divide us!)
Asian-American celebrities with “power” and privilege have undermined Asian-American struggles (A weapon for racist people). Take, for example, Esther Ku, “a comedian” who has mostly been using old stereotypical Asian jokes for her standup over and over again. The differences between Ali Wong (a comedian) and Esther Ku is that Ali Wong’s jokes break Asian stereotypes while Esther Ku perpetuate Asian stereotypes
Another celebrity that perpetuates stereotypes that the Asian-American community kept mentioning on subreddit, Asian-American blogs, podcast and Facebook is Ken Jeong, a Korean American actor. There are lots of people who think that Ken Jeong is essentially a jester/clown for white audiences, which reflect poorly on Asian-Americans. Ken Jeong’s habit of playing caricatures brings a negative light on Asian representation, especially for Asian men. For example, in the second installment of the Hangover franchise, Ken Jeong’s character – Mr. Chow had a monkey licking his penis while he was ODed (Interview). -Sigh- I’m a bit conflicted, he was pretty funny as Señor Ben Chang on the Community (2009); however, I understand that playing the same old stereotypical character (Mr. Chow, Long Duk Dong) over and over again for many years can lead to detrimental results on young Asian men. That is why Donnie Yen, John Cho, and many other actors vowed not to take stereotypical roles.
TV shows like the BBC’s Chinese Burn (2018) perpetuate Asian stereotypes. It is ironic that this show was trying to go against Asian stereotypes, but instead, works to reinforce it! For example, the portrayal of Asian men as bigoted and impotent is damaging! Another example: one of the main characters said: “You sympathy fucker, there is no way I can touch that thing, I don’t do Chinese”. The Asian community responded on Twitter, and Facebook of their displeasure; however, the BBC Chinese Burn team removed the comments on their Facebook/Twitter page (Reference: NextShark, HKFP).
3. The lack of acknowledgement/discussion about “White men and Asian Female” power dynamics (e.g., Asian women and the alt-right: Link 1, Link 2, Link 3), could affect the Asian-American community as a whole. For instance, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018), The Last Samurai (2003),Dragonball Evolution (2009), The Social Network (2010), Full Metal Jacket (1987) and other movies/tv shows brings forth an idea that Asian women needs and/or worships white men. Heck, most of these movies (and even tv shows) do not even pass the Bechdel test, which is a tool to evaluate the portrayal of women in fictional stories (e.g., movies, tv shows, novels). These stereotypes of Asian women being white worshipping, prostitutes, and/or dragon ladies can cause huge problems such as sexual harassment and violence (Rachel Kuo – Huffpost Contributor, 2017).
Another issue is internalized racism in the Asian-American community. Natalie Tran, a famous Youtuber, once said she felt ugly in comparison to white women (Reference). Also, some Asian-American who are the self-proclaimed feminists, and/or doing virtual signalling/lip service unconsciously treat Asian men horribly, which is hypocritical (Here is an example of Asian-woman empowerment, yet discrimination against their male counterpart: Cassandra Lam). It is sad and depressing because there are many Asian women that feel the same way (Gina Choe (Model), Jenny An, Esther Ku, Lily Macapinlac (Model), Link 1, Link 2). If Asian women don’t like their “Asian” appearance, I wonder what Asian women think about their male counterparts? It is kind of scary if you think about it. For instance, what would the interaction be, between the mother and her son (mixed/hapa)? or even worse what their son or daughter, who is mixed, think of non-mixed Asians? (e.g., 2014 Isla Vista massacre: Link 1, Link 2). (To note: If readers know any examples of Asian men (e.g., celebrities, comedians, etc) having internalized racism and/or oppressing the Asian-American communities please comment below)
Sessue Hayakawa, 1918
In addition, there is a lack of Asian-American men and Asian-American women relationship in American media. Heck, Asian men are not seen as romantic leads to any women and gay men. They become desexualized and emasculated in mainstream media. The sad thing is that there was a time when Asian actors were sexy. Sessue Hayakawa, a Japanese-actor, was the first Hollywood sex symbol (Evelyn Wang, 2016).In summary, we need more strong three-dimensional female and male Asian characters in order to remove these horrible stereotypes that we were cursed with for centuries.
Here are some interesting resources to read/listen about Asian-American issues:
My parents escaped from the Vietnam war. My mom took refuge in Nova Scotia, Canada, and my dad took refuge in Vancouver, Canada. They met and fell in love with each other in Canada. They travelled to Toronto to find jobs (since Vancouver lacked the job opportunities in the 80s). After they settled down and got married, they conceived my younger brother and me.
As a teenager, I felt ashamed to eat my own traditional Vietnamese foods (e.g., spring rolls, curry, etc) or any Asian foods (e.g., my mom’s homemade sushi and wanton) at school because there were students who hated the smell (e.g., Fish Sauce, Kim-chi). Others definitely gave me a weird stare. But heck, there were even weird stares when my mom packed me Caesar Salad with bacon bits for lunch in high school. I could never win. As an adult now, I see many non-asian people appreciate and enjoy eating Vietnamese foods (e.g., Pho, Spring Roll, etc). I don’t know how to feel about this … I’m happy that Vietnamese food is becoming popular; however, I also felt it is a slap in the face to my younger self who was ashamed of eating Vietnamese food due to weird eye stares and negative comments.
