Wing// Personal
Around 5 years ago, during the last semester of my undergraduate degree, I was diagnosed with stress-induced gastro-esophageal reflex disorder (GERD) and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS-D). At that time, I was working (and worrying) relentlessly about my chances of entering graduate school. I worked hard, skipped meals, and worried incessantly.
It was as if it had happened overnight, but eventually, I carried around a horrible gnawing feeling in my chest and severe nausea wherever I went. As a result of IBS, I also had re-occurring bouts of diarrhea. It was unbearable and eventually, I succumbed to being bed-ridden and losing a lot of contact with the social circles around me.
It was a horrible time. My anxiety fueled my symptoms and my symptoms fueled my anxiety. I felt as if I had no escape from the pain and misery. Even support from my (ex)-boyfriend, friends, and family did not help to soothe my experience.
However, it was through this time (mostly in bed) that I was also able to gain some perspective on my life. I began to acknowledge my anxiety, be okay with where I was, and to be okay with where I was going to be. I learned to let go of my perfectionism and to be okay with getting by.
With the help of medication, the entire ordeal lasted for about 3 months or so. I had weighed under 100 lbs because of diarrhea and had a strong sensitivity to any sort of food because I was so used to nausea as my constant.
I have been told that GERD is a condition that most lived with throughout their lifetimes. Over the past few years, I’ve had experienced some acid reflux here and there, but my GERD had never fully re-surfaced.
Until this past weekend.
This past week, I started the first of three comprehensive exams as part of the requirements for my degree. These exams span over a three-week period and require the student to synthesize a reading list, following a specific theme, into a cohesive essay. The point of the “comps” are to ensure that the student understands the wide variety of perspectives and theories within a singular field of study.
Knowing that this was a somewhat intensive experience, I did what I do best, and worked relentlessly. I began to put unnecessary pressure on myself to craft the most wonderful essay and to shoot for unreasonable degrees of excellence.
My physical and mental exhaustion was also exacerbated by the fact that Nguyen was out of town and for the most part, out of reach. He had left the province for a conference and happened to be visiting a part of the country that did not have service as provided by the cellular company we were under. (To note, this city comprises a rather large part of Canada. It’s just that our particular service provider really sucks!) The three-hour time difference also did not help and I was unable to communicate the tremendous amount of stress I was feeling.
On Saturday night, all of these stressors compounded to revive the GERD that was lying dormant in me. I think it was because I had refused to let myself have an emotional breakdown that my body had physically broken down. At that moment, I had suddenly remembered how debilitating it was as I spent the rest of the evening in bed. My dinner consisted mostly of almond milk as I struggled to eat even a few pieces of boiled broccoli.
My mom was really supportive during this time, but, as she had mental health issues of her own, I had never really disclosed to her the severity of my own anxiety for fear of implicating her.
To make matters worse, when I tried communicating these events to Nguyen (who has never experienced anything like GERD) through texts, his failure to understand made me feel even more alone.
Like in my previous experience, physical healing came via emotional healing and realization. For those who are also struggling with stress-induced, anxiety-driven, mental health issues, I would like to share with you some of my realizations in hopes that one day, we can slowly overcome.
- It’s okay for me to just be: The phrase “just be” can mean so many things, and I think for me, it means being okay with wherever I am (spiritually, emotionally, and physically). It also means that even if I’m not feeling okay, I do not have to be in a rush to get out.
- It’s okay to do what I want to do: Since the encroachment of neoliberal sentiments onto our personal conceptions of rights and responsibilities, many of us has (to some degree) been brainwashed into thinking that we must be productive members of society. This is not true. It’s okay to rest and it’s okay for me to eat whatever I want to eat and do whatever I want to do. It also means that if I am not ready to do something, I don’t have to do it now.
- There is no need to be perfect: This is something I struggle with a lot. It’s hard for me to remember, but doing a good job does not mean getting an A+. Grades are arbitrary and it’s the learning experience that counts. Not being perfect also means that it’s okay to fail and to try things again.
- Don’t put all your eggs in one basket: In the midst of my struggle, I think it was unfair for me to rely solely on Nguyen to meet all of my emotional needs. He was physically far, on a vacation, and did not know the context of what I was going through.
- I should get help where and when I can: I should have taken the time to reach out to friends who had previous experience of going through GERD with me. I also should have relied on my mom more or sought professional help.
- Comfort may come from those you least expect: Every two weeks or so, our supervisor obligates us to provide a working report of what we’ve accomplished. Through this report, I was able to disclose my mental health-related struggles to him. We aren’t particularly close and I often refrain from disclosing my personal feelings to him. However, his response was tremendously helpful and reassuring. He made me feel adequate as a student and supported in all fronts.
- There’s no such thing as a waste of time aka. it’s okay to rest: Self-care is important. I found that taking naps and watching TV really helped to alleviate my symptoms. Doing these things does not make me a bad student or an unhelpful daughter, it just helps me to feel better.
- Relapse. It happens: Some things in life are just beyond control and it’s okay if I can’t cope at that moment.
- I am not alone: I am in the company of friends, family, and a God who loves me and supports me. This truth will never fade.
In many ways, I still have much to learn. But by abiding in these truths and seeking God in prayer every day, I know I am headed towards recovery.
