Sharing my academic anxieties

Wing// Personal Thoughts

Today, I finished the last class of my entire graduate career. The only thing stopping me from starting the Comprehensive Exams is a 15-page paper for this class. It feels like a big milestone!

I’ve always looked forward to finishing my degree. It would signal many important and adult-y things like…1) the end of living on near minimum-wage “annual” salaries, 2) the end of living in student housing!(!!!!!) 3) the end of being in the weird transient phase where all your friends are making salaries that double your funding package…

It would also mean that my mom can begin to live a more comfortable life because I can support her financially.

In many ways, this is also exactly one of the reasons why I’m afraid to finish. What if I finish my degree and fail to find a good job? As noted in a previous post, I come from a single-parent, low-income home. My mother has sacrificed, and continue to sacrifice, for me so that I could pursue my dreams. She’s also waited a long time for me to finish, especially since other people my age has been contributing back to their parents. I want to do that but I really worry that all my education may not be enough to qualify for a job in academia.

The academic job market is also pretty difficult to enter. Unless one is willing to move, which I am, then it becomes very difficult to find a job.

But, what of my future family? Will my family have to compromise in order for me to climb the ranks as a tenure-track professor?

More and more, these thoughts have kept me in a constant state of worry. I’ve had difficulty sleeping because of these issues and it has impacted my productivity during the day. I know all this worrying seems premature, but the pressure is very real and even suffocating. As the first person to complete university (and then some) in my family, there seems to be a lot at stake for my parents for me to find a good job.

Although this applies to mom as well, my dad has never been prouder. Although his actions have been near-objectifying, it does make me feel happy when my dad boasts about his “doctoral student” daughter in front his friends. It has been an important catalyst to a working relationship between him and I.

Nguyen has been really good with reassuring me that everything will work out. In so many ways, I am so thankful for him. He is amazing and has been one of the greatest blessings of my life, (Thank you Jesus! 🙌) but in the end, it’s really up to the individual to face their fears.

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Father,

There’s so much that I fear and it feels almost overwhelming at times. Thank you for being with me every step of the way. I know you have been there. I really struggle to trust you sometimes, but I know Your way is best. Help me to be obedient to Your Word and to love you always.